Before you go any further, I KNOW what you’re thinking. Just wait on it and keep swiping…
Let me just say this, this particular “African” mentality is what I will call the triple D (Dangerous, Destructive and Damaging).
It’s dangerous because the small boys that grew up in these households with uncles & fathers brainwashing them to believe that this is true manhood is not only WRONG, but it is TOXIC to future generations of men.
It’s destructive because this kind of mentality will either end in two ways: DIVORCE, or a loveless marriage. God made the woman to be the HELPER of the man, not their personal maidservant. If you need one, pls go and hire a house girl for that. NANSENSE.
It’s damaging to the mindset of young men because they will pursue romantic relationships like this one, sweep the babe off her feet, and then do a complete 180 once the marriage begins. I have learned from First Lady Paris Lesley & Pastor Dominic Osei of Kingdom Full Tabernacle Church that you practice how you play. If you are helping your babe while you're dating by cooking and cleaning, she may not necessarily expect that behavior while you're married, but she will most likely go into the marriage thinking that the guy will help around the house and not burden her with domestic chores for the sake of “ah aren’t you a woman.” NANSENSE.
I am not yet married, but the little that I do know is that marriage isn’t some trophy that you win after dating. Repeat it with me. Marriage isn’t some trophy that you win after dating! Marriage is serious business. Why do some (KEYWORD: SOME) African men have this idea that women are subservient beings created to wait on them hand and foot? Marriage is a partnership and a commitment between two whole individuals that have made a vow before God to hold each other down through the trials of life, whether good or bad, and through thick and thin.
But like I said, I’m not yet married so I cannot go too deeply into that topic…
There is one thing that I do know, and it’s that whomever God has chosen for me to marry, he HAS to know the word of God. The man is supposed to lead me closer to Christ and not lead me into a life of sin.
I can only imagine if Damilola (@delpraiz) wasn’t a true man of God and did not have a relationship with Christ, would he have still gotten the revelation he did? He stumbled upon Luke 12:37 which states: "It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. Truly I tell you, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them."
If God didn’t speak to him, his poor wife would have been sitting there praying and wishing on a star that God will change her husband and make him magically transform back to the person that He was when they were dating.
#AMATIP: Don’t go into any relationship (let alone marriage!) thinking that you can change your spouse. You are not God. Only God can see and change the heart of man.
I love how God softened Damilola’s heart and made him realize that “even Christ served us completely and at his coming, he will put on an apron, get his hands dirty and serve us. If I am to love this woman as Christ loved the church, I could not do anything less than to serve her and our home totally without expectations.”
If you didn’t catch that please READ IT AGAIN O! This is another thing, SOME* African men that claim to know God still REFUSE to change even after having such an awesome revelation like Damilola experienced. Absolutely crazy. This is why I say don’t go into any relationship thinking you can change anyone, you are not God. Even God himself tries to change people and they still resist, how much more a mere human being like yourself? Siaaaaa, who are we fooling?
After this powerful revelation intertwined with Damilola’s obedience to God to change his mindset on what marriage is, his relationship with his wife grew sweeter and sweeter and stronger and stronger. (These words are biblical).
“Interestingly, my service to her has made her treat me right consistently even more than the expectations I had built up in my head. It’s as though each time I serve her, she naturally responds by trying to outdo my service. It’s like a healthy contest of service to each other.”
This is also where the 5 Love Languages come in. If you are currently in a relationship (friendships count as relationships too) I encourage you to please do your googles and read up on them… https://www.5lovelanguages.com
To wrap things up, “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE MAN OF THE HOUSE”. “A man of the house is the man who is committed to serving his home completely. He is a servant-leader.”
One of my lovely subscribers messaged me saying:
There is a plethora of information out there, so there is no excuse for people, especially men in committed relationships to say “oh well I didn’t know that’s how I grew up." Just because you were conditioned to a certain environment doesn’t mean 1. It is right 2. Your marriage should be loveless like your parents… Ma ka (twi) = Yeah, I said it. It's not normal.
Go and ask your mum if she's happy in her marriage with your father and get back to me...
Do your googles, educate yourself, know your love language and your partners love language, go to therapy, read books, watch YouTube videos. We cannot continue this toxic cycle of loveless subservient marriages. As for me I refuse, I reject, and I rebuke it in the name of Jesus.
I am very specific with my prayers about what I want in my marriage and you should be too.
I don’t know about you but my portion is a strong and healthy marriage that grows stronger and stronger, sweeter and sweeter while those that fight against my marriage grow weaker and weaker. 2 Samuel 3:1.
Guys, do the work and let God do the rest.
What false expectations did you have of marriage?
Stay blessed,
Ama
Here are some videos that will help you grow and open your mind to know who you are before you say I do... & even if you've already said I do this is an eye opener.
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#love #relationships #mjconsistencychallenge #mjconsistencypays #marriage #life #dating #christianmarriage
Great points made there about a few of the things that course lack of love in marriages. "God made the woman to be the HELPER of the man, not their personal maidservant....". Any man who would want to fall in love with a woman who relates to him like a maidservant definitely isn't matured enough yet. That said, the topic of being a 'helper' to your man is something that young women need to be thought as well. When does this service become abuse? how much of it is healthy for a relationship? Do couples need to approach this from a 50-50 perspective on all issues or a quid pro quo stand point? Every relationship, like making African soup, wi…
@ Melanie ahahahaha I live to please! LOL but yeah so glad you enjoyed this blog post! I'm not yet married but what I have been learning and have heard about marriage is it that it's not for kids! We gotta stay prayed up!!
This whole blog post was FAAAACTS! And it made me laugh so much. She truly would have been wishing on a star!
I love when you said "Marriage is a partnership and a commitment between two whole individuals that have made a vow before God to hold each other down through the trials of life, whether good or bad, and through thick and thin.